joyfully grieving

“and Jesus wept”

Many of you may already know this, but on November 13th my grandmother went to be with Jesus. I have experienced my fair share of grief, but nothing quite like this. Sitting by my Nonna’s side and hearing her take her last breath was something that shattered my heart. The next morning is a bit of a blur, but I remember waking up almost surprised that the world was still turning. I gathered the strength to pull myself out of bed, telling myself that life goes on. After being out of bed for no longer than five minutes, I was struck with the heaviest weight of sadness that I have ever experienced. I’m not sure how it happened, but next thing I knew I was on my bathroom floor, sobbing harder than I have ever sobbed, unable to move or speak or think. 

I had a conversation with somebody today and we talked about how quick our Christian culture is to say “just be happy, she’s with Jesus” and it almost makes us feel bad for mourning the loss of a loved one. After my moment on the bathroom floor saturday morning, I realized I needed to understand what it meant to grieve without losing my joy. Philippians 4:4 tells us to rejoice in the Lord ALWAYS. Proverbs 17:22 tells us that a crushed spirit dries up the bones. How could I believe this and live out the truth of the Bible, while still being able to mourn and grieve?

What I noticed early on in those first stages of grief was how different my mindset has been compared to past trials. I’ve been quick to victimize myself in the past, but that is not what I did this time. Instead, even from the very first moments of hearing that my grandmother was dying, I have seen this is an opportunity to lean on Jesus, and I think that’s a key factor in understanding how to joyfully grieve. If you are familiar with the book of Job, you know that grief and mourning is biblical. Job’s servants, livestock, and children were killed. When he first heard of this news, he shaved his head and tore his clothes, both cultural reactions and signs of deep grief. But do you know what he did right after that? He fell to the ground and worshipped the Lord. You see, Job was a man of God. He was filled with heavy sadness, and gave himself a moment to dwell in that sadness, but in the midst of the dwelling he continued to worship the Lord. THAT is how we joyfully grieve. I believe that joy will be found wherever the Lord is, it is unwavering and non circumstantial. We allow ourselves to grieve and cry and sometimes even crumble to the ground like I did on my bathroom floor and what Job did, but we keep our eyes fixated on the Lord and we let Him be on the ground with us. When we learn how to do this, how to let the Holy Spirit flow through us as we mourn, we learn how to grieve without losing our joy. He is good and He is faithful and He knows the number of tears I have shed, so even in my mourning, I will choose to worship the Lord.